Takziah.

In memory of my late grandmother.

That morning, after having my subuh prayer, i was lying on my bad, figuring what's ahead that day. Figuring what to wear to office and what to get for my iftar. Suddenly my phone rang, its from my sister, totally rare to have her call that early hour.

Grandma passed away.

I was shocked. Stunned. Still lying on the bed when she went off. Next is from my mother, same news and with a question, will i coming back? My answer is i'm not sure.

It took me a few minutes to make up my mind, to call my aunt to join her for ride home.

I'm not my grandma fav. I even keep my distance from her for few years. But she was still my grandma.

Today on her funeral, i reflected a lots of things that passed.

How my childhood was as a non favorite. I don't remember if there was any occasion when i have different meals compare to another cousins but i do remember that she never hugs me or call me her fav. She do once, that time i was nursing her in hospital. Keeping her company, feeding, washing and changing her diapers. That once she said to others how lucky she have me by her side. I am sure I blushed. But things changes once her favs arrived, weeks later. I felt like I'm more a "bibik" then, heh. That was when i far hearted. I was hunger for her appraisal, for her to thanks me and hold me like a throphy in front of others but i didnt get that. Its like i dont even exist once her fav appeared.

I created distance between us. I know it hurted my father a bit. And I know he understand my actions because he notice what happened. Later, between me and grandma, its no more grandson-grandmother , it was me trying to fill my responsibility for my father. Even on the funeral, when i decide to come home, at first its wasnt because i want to give her my last respect, i came home for my father.

On other side, I think I was wrong. What I did for her was my responsibility. I shouldnt expect her to make me her fav because I nursed her. Maybe the problem was I was expecting that by keeping her company and letting go my school and college holidays, I would be her fav was wrong at the first place. Rome wasnt build in one night. I was carried away with my frustration, was full with anger, whose defeited my sanity.

And as all regret story ended, I did not know if she died forgiving me. But I do forgive her if there any wrong doing. As they sat her in her grave, a thought accross my mind. It would be very nice if there is once that i managed to hug her.

I am certainly not in position of giving others any advice. But if there anything you could learn from my story is, grudge wont bring you anywhere. Most of the time its hurt so much when peoples we love do not apreciate us, but it is actually more painfull when we kind of hate those who we actually love.